Condensed Milk and Shakespeare
by Min Daae
Summary: Hey, if you can do it to milk, why not Shakespeare? As good as Cliffs Notes. No, not really. R&R, and receive...special stuff. and love. Share the love, people.
1. Act I

_A/N: Reading MSND in L.A. So I wrote this. Ultra condensed Shakespeare!_

_Reviews get you my second best bed._

**Act I, Scene 1**

THESEUS: Baby, I love you. Kiss? Hug? Sex?

HIPPOLYTA: You can wait four days. Honey. (cough) Oh, look. Here's Egeus.

THESEUS: Damn it. What's up, buzzard face?

EGEUS: I'm P.O'd at my daughter, cause she won't marry this dude that I picked out for her. Instead, she wants to marry this other dude that I totally did not pick out for her!

THESEUS: ZOMGZ!

HIPPOLYTA: …

THESEUS: Sorry. Anyway. What say you, fair Hermia? (winks)

HERMIA: My father's a buzzard face who wouldn't know handsome from goat cheese if it walked up and smacked him in the nose.

EGEUS: How dare you!

THESEUS: Okay, Hermia. You have three choices. Marry Demetrius, become a nun, or die. Well?

HERMIA: No, thanks.

THESEUS: Okay, good. Everybody come with me, except Lysander and Hermia! Not that they'll do anything inappropriate or make plans to run away if they're alone together, or anything. Right? Right.

HERMIA: Oh, shit.

LYSANDER: Why so upset, darling?

HERMIA: Wow, you really are a dolt. Do you have any idea why I love you?

LYSANDER: No, not really.

HERMIA: Works for me.

LYSANDER: Anyway, let's run away to the woods and live with my aunt and get married. So you don't have to die, or anything.

HERMIA: Good idea. Oh, there's my jealous friend, Helena!

LYSANDER: Yeah, we might not want to tell anyone about our plans to elope –

HERMIA: HEY, HELENA! GUESS WHAT? WE'RE GONNA ELOPE!

HELENA: …

HERMIA: So, anyway, now that I'm gone, you can have Demetrius. He's ugly, anyway.

HELENA: Hey.

HERMIA: It's not like you'll get mad at me, or anything. Because the man you love loves me. Or something. Or like you'll tell him just so that maybe he'll like you? Right? Right. Because friends just don't do that.

HELENA: Yeah, about that…

**Act I, Scene 2**

RANDOM IGNORANT DUDES: We're the stupid, slapstick comic relief. Laugh at us.

QUINCE: Okay, who wants to be Pyramus?

BOTTOM: Me! Me!

QUINCE: …and who wants to be Thisbe?

BOTTOM: Me! Me!

QUINCE: …and Thisbe's mother?

BOTTOM: Me! Me!

QUINCE: …Thisbe's father? Pyramus' father?

BOTTOM: Me! Me! Me! Me!

QUINCE: The lion?

SNUG: Me?

BOTTOM: ME! ME!

QUINCE: Can somebody please shut him up?

**Fin Act I. **


	2. Act II

**Act II, Scene 1**

PUCK: Hey baby. Got a minute?

FAIRY: No.

PUCK: Well, anyway, Oberon's mad at Titania, and so everybody is scared. And hiding in acorns.

FAIRY: …good for them.

PUCK: Oh, look! Here they come!

FAIRY: See an acorn anywhere?

OBERON: Titania, I hate you.

TITANIA: Oberon, I hate you.

OBERON: All I want is the stupid kid!

TITANIA: NEVER! His mother was my BFF 4-EV-R, and we, were, like, gossip sisters.

OBERON: Well, that kind of sucks for everybody else, then.

TITANIA: Because we make natural disasters and page long speeches.

OBERON: Oh, yes. Beware the page long speeches.

TITANIA: Cue rain.

OBERON: Cue thunderstorm.

TITANIA: Oooh, pretty! Bye.

OBERON: I WILL NEVER FORGIVE THIS INSULT, EVER! SHE CALLED MY THUNDERSTORM OF DOOM _PRETTY! _C'mere, Pucky.

PUCK: (warily) Are you quite done?

OBERON: Bring me that flower. You know, that one flower that I saw Cupid shoot that one time when there was a mermaid singing on a dolphin's back?

PUCK: Are you drunk?

OBERON: Yes.

PUCK: What flower was it again?

OBERON: That one called 'plot-device.'

PUCK: Oh, yes. That one. Well, off I go.

OBERON: Oooh, here come some people! Eavesdropping time! I will become conveniently invisible.

ENTER HELENA AND DEMETRIUS

DEMETRIUS: Where the $#&! did Hermia go with that rascal, Lizardface!

HELENA: Demetrius! Beat me! Whip me! Rape me!

DEMETRIUS: …whatever floats your boat, lady. HERMIA HERMIA HERMIA!

HELENA: Can I be your dog?

DEMETRIUS: …I'm allergic.

HELENA: I think she went that way.

DEMETRIUS: Shut up, pooch.

OBERON: Isn't Puck back yet?

PUCK: Gollum!

OBERON: What's that?

PUCK: Nothing. I got the 'plot-device' flower.

OBERON: Good. Now go find some dude, taller than a flower but shorter than a tree. He's wearing clothes.

PUCK: Thanks for the specific instructions.

OBERON: You're welcome.

**Act II, Scene 2**

TITANIA: Sing me something.

FAIRIES: _Rain, rain, go away_

_Come again another day_

_And flood the rivers and kill the sheep_

_And make all the good things sleep_

_So living beings rot to the core_

_And we'll sing this song no more._

TITANIA: That was lovely. I sleep now.

OBERON: I squeeze flower juice on your eyes. Fall in love with something gross.

TITANIA: 'kay.

ENTER HERMIA AND LYSANDER.

HERMIA: I'm tired.

LYSANDER: Sleep a little closer.

HERMIA: Here?

LYSANDER: Closer.

HERMIA: Close enough?

LYSANDER: Not quite.

HERMIA: How about now?

LYSANDER: Okay, now let's have sex.

HERMIA: Wait till we're married.

LYSANDER: Damn it.

PUCK ENTERS.

PUCK: Okay. Taller than a flower, shorter than a tree. Wearing clothes. Must be the one. A lady. Because nobody else could be in this wood. Not that Oberon heard them talking about anyone else. Okay. Good. Off we go, to make some more stupid mistakes and get in trouble. It's a good life. Right? Right.

HELENA AND DEMETRIUS ENTER.

HELENA: I'm tired.

DEMETRIUS: Good. Stay here. (leaves)

HELENA: Damn it, I thought he would let me come with him.

LYSANDER: (waking) Helena! I never before realized how hot and gorgeous you are! Kiss! Hug! Sex!

HELENA: Oh. My. God. Lysander. Hermia? Remember Hermia? The lady you're eloping with?

LYSANDER: HELENA HELENA HELENA!

HELENA: I hate all of you. You're making fun of me. Bye. (leaves)

LYSANDER: Ew, it's Hermia. COME BACK, HELENA! (runs off)

HELENA: Aw, crap. Lysander is sleepwalking again. Better go find him. (leaves)

**Fin Act II.**


	3. Act III

**Act 3, Scene 1**

BOTTOM: I love you, Thisne.

QUINCE: Be. ThisBE.

BOTTOM: Right. Thisne.

PUCK: ASS'D!

BOTTOM: I love you, Thisne.

QUINCE: BeAGH!

BOTTOM: Thisbeagh?

FOOLS: AHHHH! RUN AWAY!

PUCK: You have now been officially pwned by Robin Goodfellow.

BOTTOM: I'm going to curl up in a corner and cry because they are making fun of me.

TITANIA: You're gorgeous, hawtbod-handsomeface.

BOTTOM: You have interesting taste.

TITANIA: Quiet.

**Act 3, Scene 2**

OBERON: Hey look Puck, it's that guy that I told you to find!

PUCK: Eh…right.

_Enter HERMIA and DEMETRIUS_

DEMETRIUS: Hermia, why do you hate me?

HERMIA: Because you killed Lysander.

DEMETRIUS: No I didn't!

HERMIA: Give him to me, then!

DEMETRIUS: I'd rather feed his dead body to my dogs.

HERMIA: …and this is supposed to make me believe you when you say you didn't kill him?

DEMETRIUS: Yeah, pretty much.

HERMIA: Dude, how stupid do you think I am? I'm leaving.

DEMETRIUS: I am conveniently tired. I sleep now.

OBERON: Dammit, Puck, you got the wrong guy!

PUCK: Well, you could have given me more specific instructions.

OBERON: I told you he was wearing clothes. Go find the _other _Athenian girl.

PUCK: Shorter than a tree, taller than a flower?

OBERON: Yeah, pretty much.

PUCK: Got it.

OBERON: Anoint'd.

PUCK: Ha! Ha! Ha! I laugh at you fools!

OBERON: Quiet, fool.

_Enter LYSANDER and HELENA_

LYSANDER: HELENA HELENA HELENA!

HELENA: You're mean and I hate you.

DEMETRIUS: HELENA HELENA HELENA!

HELENA: Dude, I hate you too.

LYSANDER: Helena's mine – you have Hermia.

DEMETRIUS: Oh, no, no, no. You get Hermia, I get Helena.

_Re-enter HERMIA_

DEMETRIUS: MINE!

LYSANDER: MINE!

HELENA: I hate you all so very, very much.

HERMIA: Lysander, darling!

LYSANDER: What? Oh, it's just Hermia.

HERMIA: I hate you, Lysander. So very, very much.

HELENA: And now my best friend is making fun of me! I'm going to go curl up in a corner and die like the pathetic emo child I am.

HERMIA: Loopy.

HELENA: What, didn't you make Lysander pretend to like me?

HERMIA: …like I said, loopy.

_Meanwhile…_

LYSANDER: HELENA IS MINE!

DEMETRIUS: NO! SHE'S MINE!

HERMIA: Lysander, let's go…place.

LYSANDER: Bug off, foul creature.

HERMIA: Did I tell you how much I hate you?

HELENA: Did I tell you how much _I _hate _you? _

HERMIA: Husband stealer!

HELENA: Obnoxious shorty-pants!

HERMIA: YOU HAVE SLIGHTED MY HEIGHTNESS. PREPARE TO DIE.

HELENA: Hermia, I betrayed you, but I'll leave now if you want.

HERMIA: And this is supposed to pacify me?

HELENA: Yeah, pretty much.

HERMIA: WELL, IT DIDN'T. PREPARE TO DIE, MEANIEFACE.

HELENA: Oooh, I'm so scared of her little shortness!

HERMIA: Oh? Oh, yeah? Well, you tall person, you're a back stabbing whore.

LYSANDER: Bug off, ugly shorty pants.

HERMIA: …sometimes I wonder why I love you.

HELENA: And then Demetrius comes along.

LYSANDER/DEMETRIUS: I fight you, wench!

_Exit LYSANDER and DEMETRIUS_

HERMIA: I hate you.

HELENA: Look, over there! Okay, bye.

_Exit_

HERMIA: Dammit.

_Exit_

OBERON: Nice one, Puck.

PUCK: Not. My. Fault.

OBERON: Yes it is. Give that guy over there this antidote.

PUCK: Oh, so this is plot-device-flower?

OBERON: Number 2. Plot-device-flower number two.

PUCK: Oh, I see. So I anoint the eyes of that fellow over there.

OBERON: Yes.

PUCK: The one taller than a flower, but shorter than a tree?

OBERON: Shut up, you spleeny rat-livered giglet.

PUCK: Yes, your Eloquentness.

OBERON: I love blatant sarcasm.

PUCK: Yeah, me too.

_ENTER THE GROUPIES._

HERMIA: I sleep now.

HELENA: I sleep now.

DEMETRIUS: I sleep now.

LYSANDER: I sleep now.

CONVIENCE FAIRY::is drunk::

LYSANDER'S EYES::are anoint'd::

PUCK: Wake up and everything will be good. I don't feel like making a speech right now. I will make one, I promise. Eventually. For now, I'm going to go get drunk with the Convience Fairy. Bye.


End file.
